Monday, July 31, 2006


I have become addicted to giving. I'd like to say I do it because it benefits the greater good or some such nonsense, the truth is I do it because it gives me a high. I went from bankruptcy to rich ... okay rich to me, the Rockefellers are not adding me to their Christmas card list or anything, but compared to my life before: I'm loaded. The thing about going from 'rags to riches' is that you get used to the rags mentality - breaking it is not so easy as one would think. It's certainly not as easy as I would have thought.

When we hear someone has won the lottery and then profess that they will 'continue to work', as say a secretary or a janitor, we all balk. But the reality is that we humans are oftentimes crippled by our habits: even the confining hell of a 9-5 job. Likewise when one suddenly gets a pile of loot dropped on them from the death of their perhaps not-so-beloved family instead of going wild with the cash buying themselves jewelry or Manolo Blahniks they opt to do what they did when they were broke: spend the money on others instead. Somehow it seems less extravagant to me to donate wads to charity than to buy myself things. And yet the high is virtually the same.

There's a wonderful website called Donors Choose that allows you to browse teacher's proposals for things they need (or want) for their underprivileged classes. You find the one that appeals to you and donate some $$. Well... for a self-proclaimed internet shopping junkie this is like the holy f-ing grail. I feel like I'm shopping, yet I'm actually donating to a worthy cause. And while it is ultimately very satisfying to know that I paid for some trumpets for a class in the Bronx, in actuality it's a way for me to get used to dropping cash without feeling guilty or fearful that the debtors' prison is swinging open its doors for me. I recommend it to everyone who can afford to make even a $10 donation. Lord knows our schools are in serious trouble, they were in serious trouble when I was in school a million and a half years ago - now it's just worse. Plus it's a great stepping stone to buying myself those Manolos.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

why journal online?

Never occurred to me that I'd be posting a blog. I can't imagine why considering I'm a raging attention hound and don't really care what people say about me as long as I'm mentioned. But this blogging craze never seemed right for me. I'm sure my friends would find that amusing as I am want to regale people with nearly every single personal detail of my life at any time; especially if asked a direct question.

But this blogging always seemed to me... well... hell, just keep a journal fer crissakes! But I've decided to start this blog more for others than for myself. You want to read my real journal, you'll have to take me to lunch!

I don't know if I'll have any success at keeping this thing running, long-term commitments tend to be my downfall. But I was given a great gift one year, 9 months and 4 days ago and if my ramblings could do the same for someone else, than it would be a worthwhile endeavor to keep this blog up.

Someone I'd never met before saved my life... and whod've thunk such a thing was possible? Not me. But it happened and every single day since that miracle I have been happy as hell to be alive. For someone who was making her own funeral arrangements and relieved to finally be checking out this is a monumental switch.

Due to the public nature of this site I'm going to keep mum on the details of said miracle as the catalyst of my new life is totally in the dark on the topic and I don't believe a public forum is the right venue for dropping news like this on someone. At some point I'll spill, but for now let's just leave it that someone showed me a new path just by being. And for the first time in my life I actually started loving myself: hence the title of this blog.

SO there's an ambiguous introduction, let's see if I can manage anything awe-inspiring in the days ahead; or if I can't be awe-inspiring I'll be happy with being funny.