Wednesday, August 09, 2006

big decisions....

So I have this job. I've been in this job for three years as of August 21 and for me this is an unprecedented record. Not one I'm excited about. I have a problem with permanence. It would be easier to say I have a problem with commitment, but that's not actually the case. But I do have selective commitment issues. Office jobs definitely fall into the last category.

Ever notice how the thing you fear most is usually what you end up with? My dread of working in an office started when I was in high school. Unfortunately office jobs were the best paying, plus they afforded me the opportunity to temp. Which fed right into my 'problem with permanence'. What's really unfortunate is that I needed health insurance 3 years ago in the worst way. I had a possible cancer issue which no doctor would address BECAUSE I HAD NO HEALTH INSURANCE. So much for the Hippocratic Oath, eh? Bastards.

So I ended up taking this job. Got the cancer thing dealt with and now here I am 3 years later still sitting on my ass losing my mind with the boredom.

I am not well-suited to this sort of work, I'm not particularly good at it though frighteningly I am 100% better at it than many. How sad. For all of us!

So the big decision is: do I quit? Lord knows I want to - every single day I fight myself back from just walking out... or not going in at all. I feel trapped, suffocated and wasted. I'm exhausted from it. Yet every day I lose the fight and go. Why? I'm afraid I'm making a stupid decision on a practical level. Certainly wouldn't be the first time. But emotionally I am sure it would be the best possible thing for me to do.

So how do I reconcile this? I do what most of us do... nothing. I continue to wage an internal war on the topic and then do nothing about it but bitch and moan to anyone who will listen. Not attractive. And it's making me someone I do NOT want to be.

I've discovered what it is to feel HAPPY, for the first time in my life. Happy not because of a man (though I heartily admit I do loves the mens), or because of any other outside sources, just happy. Happy with my life. Happy to be alive. And I fear that the longer I stay the further away from that 'happy' I will get until I am full circle back to the miserable wretch I was before.

I don't like my cowardice here. How I've become (nearly) complacent doing something I disdain 8 hours a day. I wonder what happened to the woman who would just GO when she was fed up.

Oh blah, blah, blah. Round and around. One thing I have learned from years and YEARS of bouts of serious Depression is that it makes you feel powerless and that lack of control feeds the depression. Action, however small is the antithesis of that powerlessness. I need to act.

No comments: