Monday, August 21, 2006

Communication... or its lack

The dance between men and women can be so distorted by assumptions. It's such a waste, really, to pass on being with someone sexually because you assume that someone wants to be in a romantic relationship (that you don't want) when in fact all they want is a sexual (and friendly) relationship - that you DO both want.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who had just discovered an old friend of his had actually been interested in him, sexually, since they met. But neither of them would admit an attraction. NOW it comes out, 25 years later. Well... now that was a bit of waste wasn't it? They may work it out now, but still... that's a long time to keep quiet on a desire.

Of course this resonates with me as I went through something very similar. The difference was that mine ended up being the single worst relationship of my life - and that was due to the romance bit. Had it remained purely friendly and sexual it would have been great fun (though due to this fellow's many inhibitions - none of which showed themselves until I was too caught up in the love side of things to get the hell out without a giant life-altering epiphany it would not have remained great fun for long.) Warning: if you are at all puritanical switch to another blog right now. When a guy is all for getting blow jobs but finds going down on you abhorent: get out of Dodge because he's either:

A) Gay;
B) Angry at women in general, and using you in particular to get back at 'THEM';
C) a lazy, and therefore lousy, lover; or
D) See A.

Oral sex is not the complete story of course, but if it's important to you (and it is to me) then it does matter if someone who 'loves' you isn't willing to reciprocate. Especially when you really LOVE it (giving and receiving). It matters A LOT. And of course there are other aspects of sex that may not show themselves so overtly, this one is just the big clue that should be the wake up and get out of the bed call.

But let's get back to that dance.

When people know each other for years and then suddenly find themselves blissfully in bed together, if one is of a mind to keep things out of the romantic realm, they should BOTH keep it that way.

When you start talking 'love' 'soul mates' 'meant to be together' etc, etc. you had damned well better not be lying. I mean really. If you're trying to get someone in the sack, well... okay it's still going too far to try to convince them you're 'in love' when you aren't, but at least it makes some kind of sense! If you do it AFTER you've been knocking the bed through the wall for months, and you don't mean it: you're a seriously cruel and fucked up person. No ifs ands or buts.

Do men and women really understand each other so little that they think the romance is necessary to have sex? I mean sure, it's delightful, but nothing is worse than faking it. (in all ways) You don't break a heart by fucking someone, you break a heart by pretending to care in ways you don't. And unless you're simply a sadist there's no reason to do it. There's no earthly reason. Can it just be miscommunication? Just the "Men are from Mars" bullshit? No, I think it's much more convoluted then that - and it sucks. Being a woman I can't speak for men who may have had this happen to them, but somehow I think it's more common that men believe women require 'love' to have sex. We don't. Oh some do, or think they do, but really, sex is a wonderful thing -- love is a wonderful thing too, but they do not always have to go together to be wonderful things!

The truth is I have had unbelievably great sex with people I was in no way in love with, but who I did LIKE a helluva lot. And what a refreshing and lovely thing it is to have a FUN passionate sexual relationship without the fucking DRAMA, angst and pain!

What is wrong with just WANTING each other?

People always say, "sex changes things". Well it doesn't actually. Emotions change everything. Sex is a beautiful, fantastic, GORGEOUS thing - but it does not have to 'change everything'. It can make you feel closer to someone, sure. You bond in an extreme way, but it doesn't mean you are the love of each other's life. That's just a fairy tale. You can be the love of someone's life and never once touch them, having sex with someone doesn't instantly make you Tristan and Isolde.

I don't think I'm unromantic. In fact just the opposite. I hold love and romance in an exalted place of honor. But I also think it's too rare and precious to believe a sexual act can create it.

So what's my point? Yeah, good question. My point is, if you assume someone wants a 'girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship' when what they really want is your body you could be missing out on a truly great RELATIONSHIP that is not only fun, but nuturing in a good way without anybody's heart being broken. Oh, and guess what? If you were actually friends before you had sex, you will STILL be friends afterwards, and during, and afterwards again. Get over yourself if you think the other person will fall madly in love with you because you fucked and don't pass up enriching your friendship.

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