Friday, October 06, 2006

Joy Lucky...

For many years... um... okay, for over a decade if I have to be honest, and lord knows I have to be... I'd been in a pit of bad. Any luck I had at all turned out to be bad... and if not bad, then AWFUL. In fact towards the end it of that period it got to be that the bad luck was welcomed as a respite from the awful luck. Yeah. It wasn't good. Well, hell, if it had been I certainly wouldn't have been fixated on killing myself, now would I?

But I am blessed, truly, because I have some kick-ass friends; those old, wonderful ones who stuck with me through the ungodly crap and did what they could to help the miserable wretch I was... and the new, make-me-cry-they-are so-good-for-me ones I've known a much shorter time, but who have made me feel like there might actually be something worthwhile - okay let me get conceited and say FABULOUS - about me. God knows I like myself better now than I have ever in my life before and I give much of the credit for that to these amazing people who I am blessed to call friends.

The strange and wonderful thing about friends is how you almost never know when you first meet how important someone will become in your life. It's usually not a thunderbolt moment like love at first sight, where you just KNOW that someone will impact your life. Although sometimes it is, and that's something pretty damned special... and the best kind of luck.

Probably, no, it's a certainty, the best luck I ever had was some of my bad luck.... okay convoluted, but in retrospect it's a direct line. Let me explain.

I had no medical insurance, and no job, and lump in my breast. Well... how very unlucky for me. Or I so I thought... and it was, sure, bad. But because of that lump I took a job for the medical benefits and there made an awfully lucky friend.... though I couldn't know how lucky. It was because of this friend that I saw the show that turned out to be the single best thing that ever happened to me, and met someone who I did know, right away, had impacted my life. If not for that lump... no friend, no show, no hero... just an exacto knife in a warm bath.

What I'm trying to say here is if you are in the pit of bad, like I was for so long, and it looks like nothing will ever change... and even your most optimistic friends have to admit that it looks like your luck will never change... and the crap just keeps coming and coming and coming with no let up and no end in sight... as hard as it may be to see, and as hard as it may be to believe, there might indeed be a reason for your bad luck. It may in fact be the best luck you could have wished for -- but you won't find that out if you don't hang in. If you don't wait to see how the comedy of your life is playing out, you might miss the best thing in the world.

What I want to say to anyone who wants to check out is just this: stay.

Stay... even though it hurts so much you can't even manage to cry any more. Stay... even though you feel so alone you believe you will never feel anything good again. Stay... Stay... Stay... get through the bad days however you can. Stay... and do the things that scare you shitless (even if that just means getting out of bed). Stay... Stay... Stay... because you don't know the future. Stay... because you have a right to be here. Stay... because somewhere, someone you don't know is here for you. Stay... because you have a purpose (even if you don't know it yet) Stay... because the sky is blue. Stay... because I said so. Stay... because ... Stay... because you are here, you are alive and that is the luckiest thing. Stay... Just stay...

Now to any of my beloved friends who are reading this and asking "what about ME?" let me say: I love you all, very, very much. This is just about a very specific chain of events that I needed, desperately, to happen. (you know I did) And how I got so very lucky... how someone who was so unbearably sad became so stupid happy. You all had a part in it, (you know you did), but this is the specific last straw that kept this camel away from the razor blades and turned her into someone new, someone happy. And by the way, this year's mammogram came back totally clean again. I really am lucky. And very, very happy.


psycho-therapist said...

i am printing this out. and will read it every day until i want to stay on my own.
thank you. and i am so happy to read about your clean mammogram.

Joy said...

Please stay. You're going to be okay - I can feel it.

(and thanks on the mammo. :)