Today is the second year anniversary of my best day. My very best day. The day of my great epiphany. The day I decided that I could try a different way - that possibly, just possibly now, I might be able to change my life rather than end my life. That I could give it a try... and it might be worth it.
Two years later I am so happy. So happy! Just to be able to sit here and type these words: I am alive. Two years! I look back and am amazed. I look back on every single day as another blessing sprung from that miracle that changed everything for me.
A couple of nights ago I went to the theater to see a new play The Sunset Limited. I had asked if anyone wanted to go (I had an extra ticket) but no one was enthralled by the subject matter: attempted suicide.... so I went on my own. I'm glad I went alone, there was too much in this show that was hitting home for me and the resonance left me in tears a couple of times... sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. And I'd never want to make anyone uncomfortable... Right.
Any way... it seemed opportune that I go to this show this week of my anniversary. It reminded me, not that I really need reminding at all.
Two years ago when I was preparing for my suicide, it never crossed my mind that what I could do is just drop everything and move on. Leave my current life behind, become someone else, AND keep living. Just DO something completely out of character, something bold, something unexpected - like move to Mexico and start a new life. Of course I was in no emotional state to do anything of the kind, I barely held it together from minute to minute... The point being that while one might see suicide as a viable (ironic, huh?) alternative to their tortured existence, the suicide would never conceive of simply picking up and abandoning everything to begin fresh somewhere else... yet they would leave it all to die. Crazy, huh?
No one ever said a suicidal mind is a rational mind. (I know I wasn't rational.) BUT in truth if you kill yourself, if you die, you do just that: you abandon everyone and everything. Something you would never do: just to pick up and walk away from everything, people, job, home, pets, everything and start some new life is EXACTLY what you would do if you killed yourself. Of course the difference being that you don't just die to the life you've known, you die to everything. You lose it all. And that, truly, is a horrible waste.
It is of course because the pain of living is in you, it's not something you see as environmental so much as internal. Doesn't matter where you go: there you are. From a perspective of two years passed I can see that far more clearly than I could have if someone tried to tell me that at the time. So why do I think writing it here, maybe suggesting this to someone who is as bad off now as I was two years ago would be of any help at all?
Because it's coming from someone who was there.
Someone who knows just how intensely sad you have to be to see death as your best choice.
I was there, so if you're reading this and you're thinking "yeah, but you don't know how much pain I'm in" guess again. I do know.
I know so much that I have tears in my eyes right now as I write this. That I am crying as I type this silly blog in hopes that someone who needs it will stumble upon it and find the kind of epiphany I found two years ago from the words of a stranger. Because I do know how much you hurt, and I know what kind of strength it takes to get through every minute of every day when each breath is fraught with pain and nothing, absolutely nothing seems good to you.
I know what it is to wake up every single morning for endless months with tears in your eyes because you are so miserable you even cry in your sleep.
I know what it is to stand on a subway platform and think how simple it would be to just step off as the #6 is coming through.
I know what it is to collect razor blades and line them up on the side of the bathtub so you have back ups.
I know what it is to collect pills so you will have enough to be lethal.
I know what it is to want to die to make it all stop hurting.
So yes, I think hearing it from someone who was where you are now might have some weight.
And maybe knowing that someone who was where you are, who knows exactly where you are right now, is here, is alive and grateful beyond words to be alive TWO years later will be enough to make you rethink your 'only option'. Because suicide is not it. It's not the only option. In fact it's no option at all.
There is no one on this planet who has any more right to be here than you. You have every right to be happy, and alive and to have the life you want. I promise, it can be better. I do promise you that. I know how afraid you are, I can remember it vividly. But I can tell you truthfully that if you feel you are alone in the world - you're not. We're all connected, in some way. If you haven't tried medications, please do; just go to your doctor and tell her (or him) that you need to try something. If you have tried medication and it isn't working: try another! Everyone is different, Zoloft works for me: it may not work for you, but something else will. It is worth trying, trying is scary, but living and finding happiness in living is worth it.
Two years. Worth every minute. I promise.