Saturday, November 11, 2006

Bad Girl!

I've spent the day doing, doing, doing. Working out at the gym, brunching with the friends, running the errands (thank God the dog can eat now!)... the library is CLOSED today-GRRRR!... chucking more stuff... seriously, does anyone else have this much USELESS STUFF???... cleaning... fixing broken things.... reworking my blogs... backing up the computer... and yet, I feel like I have been remiss. Why? Because I only wrote a thousand words on my Nano novel so far today instead of FIVE thousand. I'm woefully behind in word count and instead of hunkering down and doing it I'm doing THIS!

And you know what I say?


I have spent the better part of my life hating myself, blaming myself for EVERYTHING that goes wrong with EVERYONE and generally working the guilt on myself for every move I make. Though, true to form, I have to say the one thing I never have and never will feel any guilt about is sex. Why I escaped that particular Catholic idiosyncrasy is beyond me. But I'm glad of it! Guilt for eating too much, I get. Guilt for having sex? Nah, that makes no sense. But I digress.

After years and years of listening to the nay-saying voices in my head telling me I'm a loser and talentless and ugly and [insert all bad qualities here] I have finally reached a place where I can stop it. Sure, there are times when insecurities hit, when I'm angry at myself for not doing something I should have (like writing 1,667 words a day), blaming myself for everything that DIDN'T get accomplished and negating everything that DID, and I feel myself taking a stroll down "I Hate Myself" Lane. But I don't walk there long. Couple of feet, maybe a yard or two and then I turn back. And I remember that the only one telling me I cannot do something, or am 'bad' for not having accomplished something is ME. And I will not hate myself any more.

Okay, so my parents didn't love me. So what?
So I'm not a best-selling author. So what?
So I'm not on Broaday.. or Off-Broadway... or in a dinner theater. So what?

It does NOT make me a bad person.
It does not mean I am a loser.
It may mean I need to get my ass in gear and make some priority changes, but that's ALL it means.

I used to internalize every little thing and turn it around on myself. I was brought up with so much negativity, so little encouragement that I didn't have much choice but to be the way I was... I didn't know how else TO be... until I saw someone LIKE me, someone from the same shitty background, someone maybe 'too sensitive' who took things too much to heart, who was a little too proud, and a little too insecure but who looked at life from a different angle and kept going instead of giving up. Who chose happy over sad, and chose to see the good instead of the bad.

All the intellectualizing in the world can't beat a good old-fashioned example in the flesh. I met that example and it changed my life.

So my apartment is still a mess, and
My novel is further from being done than it could be, and
I haven't practiced my Spanish in months.

I have done a lot today. Hell, I've done a lot in the last two years. I'm not lazy (reading's lazy.. yeah, right Dad), I'm not stupid (why is it only an A, where's the A+?... yeah Mom) and I am NOT bad. In fact, I'm pretty damned great.

And so are YOU!

So there!

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