Saturday, March 10, 2007

Guilt, Fear and Facing IT

Any recovering catholics out there?

Of course there are.

Me too.


I'm not dealing with the guilt at the moment, nice change. But the fear. Oy. There's always something to overcome.

From My Personal Dictionary
Fear = the root of procrastination.
Procrastination = what I'm doing right now.

I have this project I'm working on, it's an old screenplay. And by "working on" I mean shaking in my leopard socks worrying about is it good enough. Hell, I know it's good. At least large chunks of it, but there are chunks that I'm not loving. Am I able to improve them? Well maybe I would be if I were working on it instead of avoiding it by posting this blog right now.

The problem with this particular piece of writing is that I wrote it with someone else. Someone who is no longer in my life, THANK GOD. So my main desire would be to expunge everything in it that he wrote (which isn't a helluva lot actually). But then I need to rewrite and rework those scenes. I'm trying, but I FEAR that I will make it worse rather than better. Rewriting is the bane of my writing life. I no likey the rewriting. It's not laziness so much as fear. That same fear of not being able to make it better. Fear that I should go with those first impulses... then again the parts I want to change were never my impulses to begin with therefore should be no problem to change 'em.


And then I make a pot of coffee.

I feel compelled to deal with this screenplay, that I haven't looked at in over 2 years, because I have a chance to hand it to someone who might actually like it, hopefully like it enough to want to USE it.

But dealing with this screenplay also means delving into my past, which was not a healthy place. This screenplay was written during a bad time in my life, with someone who was very bad for me, and all that time is wrapped up in those pages. All those memories of pain and heartbreak are there - staring at me, daring me to exorcise them.

Will rewriting his contributions to the screenplay clear my ch'i? This is where I get all new-agey again, sorry. But yeah, I think that's exactly what it will do. I've cleared my home of nearly every remnant of this man and every time I get rid of some physical evidence of him, it feels cleaner here. Cleaner meaning purer, healthier, more peaceful. This thing we created together is a lingering sore point for me. And through a series of strange coincidences it seems I'm being forced to deal with it.... that is if I want a chance to actually have any sort of success in my artistic endeavors. Which I do.

I guess that's it. Do I want to clear the past from my future so I can have the things I really want? Yes, I do. Am I willing to deal with the scary parts of that? This I am not so sure of.

The coffee's ready.

I'm going to go back to this pile of paper now... and see if I can do it.

A big part of me thinks I can.

It's that fearful and annoying little voice that tells me I can't that scares me.

Shut up little voice - I hate you and you need to get the hell outta here.



d. chedwick bryant said...

I can't imagine what it would be like to be introduced to Catholicism as a small child-- I had no idea what it was until I went with a friend to Mass when I was 16. I loved the Latin Mass, but she was thoroughly disenchanted. OK she was totally worn out!

Rewriting -- finding that fresh new "handle" on something is tricky, but once you get ahold of it, it will be OK.

I feel your pain on both counts tho.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

*gags the voice for Joy*

Go on girl and do it. You know you can!