Saturday, March 31, 2007

Maybe

The "maybe" of things is always fun.

Maybe he's the one.
Maybe she will go out with me.
Maybe I'll get that part.
Maybe this book will be fabulous.
Maybe something great will happen on this walk.
Maybe this diet will work.
Maybe I'll get that promotion.
Maybe grapes will be on sale.
Maybe ...
Maybe ...

It wasn't always that way.

I remember when my 'maybes' only hurt. It was as if anything, and everything, I wanted was a maybe that was not going to happen. To dream, to fantasize, to hope... these were the worst things I could do.

Maybe I won't cry in my sleep.
Maybe I won't be miserable today.
Maybe I will feel loved today.
Maybe I won't feel so alone in the world.
Maybe today I won't be invisible.
Maybe ...
Maybe ...

And every one of those maybes was a bust.

Each failed dream or wish, of the simplest kind, was denied. Each 'failure' fed into the Depression and dug the hole deeper and deeper.

There really seemed no way out. Well... there seemed to be one. And that was the one I was planning to take. Suicide seemed like the only 'sane' escape route.

Truly, I was a mess.

But then by the strangest twists of chance I became incredibly, amazingly lucky. My maybes started to come true.

For a moment I wasn't invisible.
Finally I saw that there could be another way.
And I have found that not everyone will disappoint or hurt you. Not every move I make will be the wrong move. There are people who love you, you may not be able to see it, or feel it, because you hurt so much nothing else can get through. And every single minute of every single day offers the opportunity for something miraculously wonderful. The catch is: you have to be here, you have to be alive, you need to stick it out to make your maybe come true.

It is the hardest thing in the world to stay when you want to go. So hard. I know, Oh shit, there go the waterworks. Yes, I remember exactly how hard it is. But if you are so low that it looks like there is no other way out, please know that you can change it. YOU CAN! I did, I'm here, and I'm alive. My little maybes come true all the time. Yours can too!

Is there anything as wonderful as anticipation?

Hmmm.

Maybe.....

1 comment:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

And may your maybes just get better and better!