Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A Shakey Stroll Down Memory Lane

Finishing the rewrites on that screenplay was brutal. Really. Dredged up far too many memories and made me wonder just what the hell I was thinking back then when I wrote this with the psycho-man. My self-proclaimed 'perfect man'.

Oh wait, I know what I was thinking.

That's the problem.

Working on this thing really was a trial by fire. It was painful to re-read things I'd written knowing full well exactly how I felt when I wrote them back then - and how much of that relationship was put into that screenplay. Some actual word-for-word conversations in fact.

Ugh.

And as a mirror for that relationship this screenplay is scary-accurate. His lack of interest and care in the portions he wrote directly mirrored his lack of interest and care towards me: His self-proclaimed 'soul mate'. Uh-huh. That's a quote. Which was followed a few weeks later by: "I meant we're compatible". Yes, that's the usual interpretation of a soul-mate. Or someone you share an office cubicle with! (see: the man was psycho!)

What a schmuck.

And of course, I'm referring to myself. Because I was the dope who bought it.

I stuck with a guy who broke my heart nearly on a daily basis - for 5 years!! FIVE YEARS people!! That's not right. It's not good. And, to my mind, proves exactly how ill I was back then. And how much he played with my head. There ought to be a law against people like him. I'm serious.

The best part of working on the screenplay is that this time I did it for ME. Not to impress him. Not to make him happy. Not to try to make our twisted bond stronger. I did it for ME. And that is GREAT!

The worst part of working on the screenplay was having to wade through memories. Having to recall feelings I do not want to recall. It's not that I feel sad in any way about having broken up with him - what I feel, frankly, is rather nauseous when reading his parts. Ending that sordid relationship was one of the best things I ever did. No sorrow there.

Actually there is one thing worse and it is a little weirder than I like.

I've talked here before about Feng Shui and clearing your Ch'i and how I've had good things come into my little world as soon as I got the bad out (physically chucking things with bad memories, bad energy). Sometimes those 'good things' happened instantly. I had hoped the same would happen here. Unfortunately something unpleasant came in instead.

An email from the nut job.

I've blocked him from my email addresses, and IMs. I guess I missed one (I have waaaay too many email addresses). Have not heard from him in well over a year - for which I am profoundly grateful then *boom* I pull out this screenplay and he decides to get in touch? It's like some evil spirit realizing the exorcism is actually working and trying to dig its heels in. And I am not exaggerating here. I've been in less than ideal relationships, but THIS was pathologically bad. I am not going to go into the details because I just don't care enough to do so. It's actually boring when it's not distasteful. But trust me: it was baaaaad.

I deleted that email. I should have deleted it before I read it, but curiosity is one of my failings. Oh well.

Now that it's done, I am happy with it (for the most part, I'm never totally satisfied... ) and I hope that that last gasp from that demon remains the last gasp. Maybe it was. Maybe that was the good that came of this particular space clearing.

I'm going to hold that thought, and trust that facing this particular "bad" from my past was the right move. Ignoring things rarely fixes them. Burying the dead however is always a good idea.

Thanks for attending the funeral. I appreciate it.

I feel better now.

1 comment:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay! And at least you know to block him from that email now.