Wednesday, April 11, 2007

You need some Pink

It may be a surprise to hear that the past few days have been, shall we say. FER SHIT for me.

Of course the collective gasp as the millions of people who read this every day discover this shocking fact will be heard around the world.

Or not.

I'm not happy with the way I'm feeling, it's bothersome. It's also a little tempting. Yes, tempting. Depression is my familiar place, why wouldn't it be tempting to go back there... you know... just for a little while... for a visit.... can I huh, can I??

Yeah, no. I really can't. It's a bad, bad place and I really do NOT want to go back. Feeling like this makes me ... ugh. It's like all the work I've put into this happy little piece of internet is just so much bull. Just a big fake.

I find this really distressing. I wanted to be some help here to someone... just one person... and here I am, the big fake.

How much does that suck?

Oh so much. Especially as this relapsing has been my biggest fear right from the start. Oh listen... do you hear that?

That's the sound of me SUCKING.


So last night my friend calls me. I debate: do I want to talk to anyone? Not really. But because she's just gone through some stuff I think maybe she needs to talk and I shouldn't be such a loser-selfish-bitch and I pick up the phone.

Seems she's doing fine, which is great. And before I know it I'm doing exactly what I didn't want to do and I'm spilling my boring sad ass guts to her. Poor woman. Not like she hasn't heard this crap for YEARS. But I guess I've been in a good place for long enough now to actually HEAR what she is saying to me instead of wallowing completely in my brain chemistry misery.

You know this will pass, right? It always passes. You KNOW that!

I know.
(of course I felt like the queen of bullshit as I said this)

So it's okay.


Girl. You need some PINK!!

It took a minute for me to process that.

Honestly, I'm so confused lately... I'm thinking to myself... but Zoloft is blue.... Xanax is white... pink? what's pink?

GO load up some Pink on your iPod. DO IT.

Oh THAT Pink. I see.

So I yes-ed her to death and this morning I loaded my iPod with some Pink... and some other empowering sort of happy music... and I went to the gym to run for an hour.

I'm not entirely sure it worked. But at least I did something positive.

What I really wanted to do was hide under the covers and explore the depths of my inner sorrows. Yeah, 'cause that'll keep me away from the razor blades.

So a little Pink, a little angry Lisa Marie Presley, hey wait where's my 4 non-blondes? And of course, a little Wrong Way Up are tucked nicely onto my iPod. And tomorrow when I get up, we're all going back to the gym again to run some more until this crap in my head gets worked out.

Because my friend is right, this will pass. It always does.

In the meantime, I need a little Pink.


Bella said...

You are NOT a fake at all, you're human. We all go through days of feeling a bit down, or even downright depressed. I know that because of your history, you're even more conscious of it, but look at it this way: If this blog were all about sunshine and rainbows and didn't show the ups and downs of life, how real would that be? Letting other people read about the realities of overcoming depression and suicidal tendencies is huge. It lets us all know that while your life is a million times better than it was before, you still have little bumps in the road. So when someone else hits those too, they'll know that it's NORMAL. You are an inspiration to so many, and I'm glad that you were able to get a little Pink into your iPod. :) If you're interested in a singer who is quirky but fun, try Nellie McKay -- I love her!! Especially the Dog Song!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

If you were fake I wouldn't waste my time reading your blog!

Remember you are doing the best that you can. Somedays that is just getting out of bed and going through the motions, and doing that is monumental. Be gentle with yourself.

Eddie said...

I don't know what to say, I feel real bad/sad sometimes too.

d. chedwick bryant said...

I have some sunflowers for you. This has been a very tough spring so far-- I don't know why, really.