Monday, May 14, 2007

Chick Flicks

I'm not a big fan of chick-flicks. You know, the romantic comedy wherein the somewhat misfitted lead characters find each other in some outlandishly adorable way, fall in love - back off, then find each other again and live happily ever after.

I'm not a fan.

It's not that I'm anti-romance, or love, or a flight of fiction that ends with happily ever after. I'm not a fan because... because I'm not that girl. And I wish that I was.

I am not someone who falls easily, which is probably why I am not someone others fall for.

Over the course of my life I have found it easiest to simply blame my fluctuating weight. If I'm thin, I'm desirable - if I'm fat I'm heinous. The trouble with that philosophy is that it is inaccurate. It's not my weight. It's not my hair color, glasses, complexion, education or sense of humor - quite simply it's me. It's how it is. I'm not easy (I don't mean like THAT), and I don't mean I'm difficult to live with either. I'm actually pretty kind, thoughtful and generous (if I do say so myself)... but there is something about me that is hard.

I suppose being guarded despite seeming open makes things hard.
Being afraid of having my heart ripped open again makes it hard.
Being the cynic who was once the epitome of the die-hard romantic makes it hard.
and Trust? Oh please, let's not even discuss that one.

When you're a 'little different' than average and you see the world in a slightly off-kilter way and you tend to open your mouth and say shocking things without seeing that they are shocking (and even more often when you see that they ARE), and you don't give a shit about the things 99.9% of American men think women want, oh and you actually LOVE sex (sorry not explaining that one), I think it's hard to find someone who can identify, let alone understand and love.

For me watching a chick flick doesn't leave me sighing with awww that's so sweet, so romantic... *sigh*. It leaves me feeling bad about myself. It leaves me wondering why I can't be 'that girl' why I have never been her and why when we have aphorisms like 'there's a pot for every lid' I have always been misfitted. Sometimes with horrible results, sometimes with a simple 'oops, this ain't' right'.

I'd like to believe there is someone for everyone. Unfortunately I have a feeling my 'someone' is living a hermetic life on a mountain in Tibet, watching chick flicks and thinking: "I hate chick-flicks. I'm not that guy.... I wish I was."

Chick flicks often feature quirky, free spirits who stumble into love under the most unusual circumstances. *sigh* If I book a trip to a remote mountain on Tibet, I trust that I will stumble - right off the god damned mountain.

I hate chick flicks.

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