Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A full life?

I have been thinking a lot about a post that one of my all-time favorite bloggers put up Monday. You should go read it then come back.

Did you read it? No, I can tell. Now go read it, (I'll be referring to the third section in this post) because I'm not going to reiterate here and then this won't make sense.

That's better. Welcome back and Thank you!

Now. About this living life to the fullest.

This is something I have thought about daily since my big revelation. I do, honestly, think about it every single day. I think about it every morning when I take my little dose of keep-me-sane, yes the manufacturer of Zoloft should be giving me freebies, but they still don't... though I can continue to hope they will come around.

Every day I think 'is this enough'? When I start to wonder if I'm wasting my life, wasting an hour, wasting a day. When I start to feel like time is slipping through my fingers and I wonder if I'm doing enough, will I have done anything important, anything that anyone will remember me by after I'm gone. When I feel like I'm missing out on things I want in my life. When I feel like crap, or I'm sad (just normal people sad, not kill myself sad-don't worry, the only razorblades around now are in my daisy lady's shavers). When I want WANT WANT things I seem destined not to have and wonder if I can ever simply accept it and stop WANTING. When I'm anxious and stressing and scared and cranky I wonder: what is happiness?

For all the striving for some 'more' for some elusive, intangible thing I cannot name. For all the fear of wasting what is so precious. For all the kicking myself for stupid moves, bad decisions, loving people who hurt me. I have to stop, be still for a minute and remember that I am here. Now. I'm alive when I truly shouldn't be. I'm saner than I've ever been. I'm safer than I've ever been. And whether I have those intangibles or not: I am ALIVE.

With that one statement "I am alive" all possibilities abound. The choices on the buffet table are endless. Does it mean life is 'less lived' for not trying a spring roll or a pork bun? No. There may be a twinge of regret at missing a try at the lo mien, but wasn't the sweet & sour tofu delicious beyond words? We cannot try everything - there is simply too much - but we can savor what we have now. Because NOW is all we ever really do have.

Yesterday I was in such a black funk of hormonal angst and self-pity that I wanted to bang my head against the wall. The I WANTs were overwhelming me. The WHY WHY WHYs of poor, poor me were enough to make even me want to gag. The unendurable need for my daily dose of attention and ego stroking was making me nuts. (Gary, Kori, I appreciate your taking care of that section of the "poor me" program yesterday!)

Today I woke up feeling much better about it all. And the sun was shining through my colorful living room curtains, the atomic tangerine paint was practically glowing with the light and I thought; sometimes it feels like it did yesterday - not enough, never enough. And sometimes, like right this minute it feels like even more than I could have hoped.

There's a reference in Whim's post to naming the 5 happiest moments in your life. I'm a little bit afraid to try to make that list. Afraid I will realize I cannot find 5... and afraid I may have more than 5 and will have to choose. I'm going to attempt that list later on, but right now I have one. And no matter what else happens in my life, I will always, always have that one. It will always be at the top of the list.

And sometimes one is enough.


Gary said...

I've been drinking some orange juice and feel so moved by your post, happy that you have the ONE and so looking forward to rounding out the top five with you. July should be up there somewhere, no?

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

*blushes to think that she is one of Joy's all-time favorite bloggers*

Thanks for the compliment (and the shout out) Joy. I know I am alive and have many choices. It seems that there are too many and too few all at once and I don't know what to do.

Joy said...

That's it exactly, too many and too few all at once and it becomes paralyzing.