Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Geez... get a room!

I know the title of this blog is "I've got a crush on... Me!" but that was about the process of being happy to be alive, healthier, saner, and learning to love myself instead of hating myself enough to want to die. Lately it seems to be working. A little too well!!! And I'm wondering if that's such a good thing. Lately, I'm all about me, me, and just to switch it up: ME. I am finding myself to be the most fascinating creature on the face of the planet, and it sort of snuck up on me.

I should buy myself some flowers and light some candles, put on some good music and just be with myself for some deep conversation... if you will.

It's weird. For me it is particularly weird. It's not like I haven't experienced this self-absorption from time to time in the past, not like I haven't been on the occasional trip to big ego land, but this feels different. Usually this sort of thing is a direct result of a momentary bit of praise and it lasts just as briefly. It's great, but very fleeting. The past couple of days ... let's just say it's not so fleeting. That feels ... odd. And a little bit wrong.

Maybe it's a result of the new way of eating, which I need to stop posting about or run the risk of turning this into a full-out food blog instead of an anti-suicide, learn to love life blog. Maybe it's a result of the tremendous amount of cardio I've been doing. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life I'm surrounded by people who are good to me, kind to me and seem to actually think I'm worthwhile. Maybe my meds are too strong all of a sudden; or maybe... and this is the scariest of all... maybe I'm actually beginning to like love myself - for real. For the first time. Finally.

That's scary for a self-loathing egomaniac to face, let alone admit to!

To actually love myself means I have to let go of a LOT of old defense mechanisms, and that leaves me in a very vulnerable place in this crazy world. Can I get new defense mechanisms? I don't know!! I'm afraid you pick a set at birth and you're stuck! But what the hell do I know?
Do I even need defense mechanisms? Maybe those are the very things that keep me from finding what I want in life.... or not. Again, what the hell do I know?

How can I possibly get through a day without self-deprecation? I mean it's humorous, but probably not so kind to 'the one you love'. I don't know... I've spent my life wearing that cloak of you can't hurt me, if I don't have that... hell, what do I wear?!!! And what color does it come in?

It never occurred to me that I might REALLY feel like this about HER, so I'm at a loss. It's sort of like going on a date with someone you don't really feel attracted to and waking up a couple of weeks later to find you're in love. What the hell is THAT about?!

Maybe I should stop worrying about it and just be with it. Maybe it will pass and I can be my old self, not so much loathing myself as I used to but not so head over heels either. If it doesn't pass, I'm not sure where to go with it.

This being alive thing, I swear, it's full of surprises.

Time to shut up. C'mon honey, let's put on some Barry White and cuddle.

1 comment:

whimsicalnbrainpan said...


Oh Joy I just loved this post! I'm so glad that you feel this way.