It shocks me what a serious coward I am - and have I mentioned how I loathe cowardice? I do! Mainly because it's the thing that bothers me most about myself. Neurotic, okay. Coward? Yuck! Which is why I try to push past that and do things that terrify me. Did one today. Go me.
Today I went on an audition. This is funny because I have absolutely no fear of being on a stage. Getting me there? That's a whole other issue. I've gone through debilitating bouts of stage fright - but never pre-show, only pre-audition! How's that for cowardice? Not afraid to get the job, nor to DO the job, just terrified of applying for it. Oh I am a twisted one I swear.
But I went today. A complete and utter wreck who wanted to stop every five minutes to find a bathroom (if you're squeamish skip down to the next paragraph) it seems universal that actors need to urinate and or vomit excessively: especially prior to an audition and with some, a performance. Before a performance this is pretty logical: you might be stuck on stage for a good hour, or be sewn into a complicated costume, which makes using the bathroom impossible. Prior to an audition it's pure nerves and uncontrollable fight or flight response. Simple fear.
Okay safe to look again.
But again I stress: I WENT. I could have hid under the covers and never answered the phone again when the friend who suggested I do this audition-thing called to find out why I was such an utter loser. But that would have been HORRIBLE. Far worse than facing the nerves and enormous potential for embarrassment. Let's not even mention the terror of f-ing up so badly that said friend would wish he'd never even MENTIONED an audition.
Did I do okay? Hell if I know. I go blank. Totally function on auto-pilot and hope that whatever training I've had just takes over and makes it all nice. I check out. Except of course for the fact that when I check back in (after it's all over) I get the fun of replaying EVERY STUPID mistake. Every stupid comment that came out wrong - you know the ones that are supposed to be funny and charming? Yeah. They never sound funny and charming after you walk out the door and start slapping yourself in the forehead saying: "WHAT made me say THAT?!!" Oh yeah, it's fun. FUN. I tell ya!
So... I did my audition . God help me I wore my contacts which are two prescriptions old and only really good to go out and socialize in: not so good to read with, which made it reallllly easy to read from the piece of paper in my hand. Yes! Sometimes I'm just that smart. Glasses, Joy, wear the glasses!! And the part I auditioned for is supposed to be funny. I think I heard a tiny bit of laughter ... but I have been known to hallucinate in these situations. Will I get the part? Who the hell knows, certainly not me. It would be great if I did - THAT would be fun. But if not, I'm going to salve my pitiful ego with the fact that the most important part of this whole thing is: I did it. Because that's brave. I may have made a mess of it, but at least I can look in the mirror... if I'm wearing my contacts that is.