Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sometimes I just hate to think

My head is a whirlwind lately. The past few days I just can't seem to stop thinking, thinking, thinking. Not about anything bad, just thinking. It's annoying. Usually I think a lot. I'm in my head pretty much 20/7 (yes, I do need to sleep a little bit), but sometimes it's more acute. Like lately.

It feels too much. There's just too much to think about and I need to cull some of the 'to think about' list before my head explodes.

I don't much feel like talking to people - yet I'm chatting with people on the street every single time I'm out. Neighbors out with their dogs, folks in stores, the clerks I know at the post office (yeah, I spend waaaay too much time at the post office), even total strangers. I had a 15-20 minute conversation with a really lovely woman and her little girl about tattoos.

I was stopping to buy this cute little pepper plant.

She saw the tattoo on my wrist when I reached for the pot.

I think I helped convince her that getting a seagull on her shoulder was a good idea because it seemed like she just needed a little nudge of reassurance that it wouldn't hurt. And there I was. My tats didn't hurt, so I'm a great spokesperson for the ease of getting them.

But why are people talking TO me... and why am I talking BACK, when I feel a violent urge to escape? Do I hide it that well? No. Actually I guess talking to them is a form of escape.

I don't mean escaping them, the current little chit-chat and general pleasantries of a sales transaction or what-not. Although 20 minutes on the street with a stranger may seem more than chit-chat. My urge to escape is more from my own ceaseless thinking.

I am antsy as all get out. I'm a little cranky when I don't feel cranky. I think it stems from the fact that I need ....

to think.

I feel censored and inhibited and I want to stop that feeling.

I have lived for years now without censor, with little censure, and I LIKE IT. Right now I'm feeling a bit pushed and trapped and responsible for things I'm not responsible for. I really, really don't like it.

I want to create, to be, to do and this damned thinking and pressure is really inhibiting that. It ain't fun my friends, it ain't fun.

Not that I'm not happy, because I am. I'm just thinking too much.

I'm going to go dye my hair now. That always makes me happy.

Of course I have to think about what color first.

Crap. There's always something.


whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Sometimes I wish our brains came with an off switch. But then I guess we wouldn't remember to turn them back on.

Joy said...

Whim - I'm sure they would reboot at night.