Sunday, December 16, 2007

Into the confessional!

I've been very lazy about writing here. I just haven't had any *oompf* to do it. I've been a wild-woman in the kitchen, but not so much with the writing. I did not finish the NaNoWriMo. I felt a little sad about it, but not heartbroken. I have the start of something I like a lot, and for getting me started on that NaNoWriMo was a great push, but as a friend of mine pointed out to me, I am a bit contrary. I really am. You tell me I have to do something . . . well. Yeah. That'll happen. Not.

I suppose sometimes even when it's something I CHOOSE to do, I still bristle a bit.

There's something I have chosen to do that may come as a surprise to those who read this who don't know me in real life, and even some of you who do know me in real life.

I'm quitting smoking.

Yes, yes, I smoke. There. I said it. I have smoked since. . . oh dear, do I want to date myself this way? Oh what the hell. Since 1983. Yeah. Long time. Of course I've quit a few times since then. In 1995 I quit for a full 9 months! Every time I told people that they asked if I had been pregnant. If you know me even a little bit, you know THAT is not the case. It just happened that I managed to do it for nine months.

I also quit for just over 2 years not so long ago (2002-2004 I think it was). But a certain amount of depression, suicidal thoughts, general misery and anxiety put an end to that with my 'just having one' that turned into a pack a day ever since. Not only is that a health hazard, but it costs a FORTUNE. I think that heroin must be cheaper than this and apparently it's less addictive. Still, I'm not so much in the market for switching my addictions - just quitting the one would be a nice start.

So I want to quit. Have wanted to quit since October 2004 actually. Since I decided not to kill myself. I have gone through weeks and weeks of TODAY I'm quitting! Each of those 'todays' lasted until sometime in the evening when I would run to the store and buy myself a pack of coffin nails.

So I mentioned this to my fabulous doctor when I had my physical in October. She said she knew of something she thought would work for me but she wanted me to try the Lunestra and be fully rested and not fighting with my insomnia when I tried to quit. Since I'm sleeping no less than 6 hours a night now (usually more) - without the sleeping pills! YES!! It seems that now is the time to attempt the great 'quit'. My doctor has not steered me wrong once, so I'm putting my faith into this stuff and hoping that it will work. I take the pills for a week and get to keep smoking until the 8th day; then I take a different dosage for the next 3 months (I think) and hopefully will not smoke. December 21st is my 8th day. I think it's a good choice - it's the solstice and all. Happy Yule to all my fellow pagans out there! Represent!

Okay, technically the 22nd is the solstice but I'm terrible with math and counted the days back wrong. Typical. Anyway, I'm supposed to stop on the 21st and if all goes well I won't pick it up again.

I have not mentioned my smoking here until now because, frankly, I ain't proud of it. And I also felt that because this blog is about appreciating life and overcoming the things that hold me back, that admitting to having a really DUMB habit that could potentially cost me this very precious life would read as counterintuitive. Which it is, of course. But that's addiction for you.

I'm very, VERY lucky that it hasn't caused me any health problems - so far. I hope that quitting will make sure nothing crops up in the future. Plus I'll save an awful lot of money.


BetteJo said...

I started smoking in 1975 I think. How's that for dating myself? I quit for the 4 years I was pregnant and nursing, and I managed to quit for another 2 years in the mid 90's somewhere. Now it has been probably 5 years and I still miss it. I don't struggle with it on a daily basis or anything, but when something really stressful is going on - I wish I had cigarettes to get me through. When I am stuck in traffic and the person in the car in front or next to me is smoking - ah - fresh cigarette smoke smells wonderful to me! I know it's bad, I know a lot of ex-smokers can't stand the smell, but it makes me harken back. I DO know that I can't ever even playfully be "naughty" and have just one. That WILL lead right back to the pack a day habit in no time.
I have no secrets to impart - I must have just been ready. Smoked the last one in the pack one night and never bought another one the next day.
I wish you all the luck in the world - it is SO-O-O hard! Not the quitting part, that part is easy. How many times have we all quit? The STAYING quit part is tough. :)

Bella said...

Good for you! As you know, I smoke, too, and while I know how bad it is for me, I don't think I really WANT to quit yet. I feel like you have to be in the right mindset to really be successful. Plus, I'm doing the weight loss thing right now, and I feel like I can only handle one major self-improvement thing at a time, ya know?

But seriously, good for you for making the decision to quit. I know it can't be easy. Plus, think of all of the fabulous things you could buy with the extra money!!

Good luck!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Good luck hon. I'll be pulling for you. It is something I need to do my own self.

Ladron de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

I've smoked maybe three times in my life and equate it with ingesting fecal matter. Hey, maybe it's cosmic, but another favorite blogger gal pal Eva Deadbeat has done the same. You two are too cool of ladies to be puffing that nasty stuff. And, besides what you're doing to your bodies you are supporting evil evangelical Republican corporations every time you buy a pack. Lord knows I have my contradictions, but if you are able to quit, you'll be much happier. Good for Joy, and your vegan health routines will now be turbo-charged if you say "Poof, puffs be gone!"

Gary said...

As someone who loves and adores you I thank you for quitting. Merry Christmas!

Salty Miss Jill said...

Yeah! You can do it!
Have you seen those NY Quits ads where they show the black goopy lung pulled out of a (former) smoker's chest, or the gangrenous foot? Scare tactic as it may be, that's enough to put me off...and I don't smoke cigarettes.
You know you have our support, baby. You are far to fabulous to have that foul, feral habit. :)