Am I too butch? This is a question I ask myself from time to time. I wonder: do I come off as incredibly butch, or incredibly fey? I know this is typically a question one might ask oneself if one were, say, a man, specifically a gay man, yet this is the kind of thing I think about. And I'm a straight woman. Though god knows we're all, as a friend of mine once put it: a little bit gay, and we all have a smoosh-up of yin and yang, I know my inner gay man is often times flaming - but he's also very good with power tools. Still, I wonder what people SEE when they look at me. If my outward appearance is quite what I think it is....
I did a production of Macbeth (4 million years ago). I was one of the witches, double, double, toil and trouble and all that fun stuff. One night after a rehearsal a few of us went out for drinks. I was still in the midst of my many and wondrous mood swings back then, and naturally I was 'up' at the time (one tends not to audition nor be on stage when in the throes of Depression) - so yeah, let's go out!
After a few drinks our Macbeth, a very handsome and serious, intense fellow (good casting there) sits next to me and asks: are you a lesbian? Me: Umm... not so much no. Okay, truth be told there was that woman in college, but other than her, I gotta say: I love me some boys.
Apparently however, the boys not be lovin' me quite so much as I would like. And no, in response to the next logical question: the girls don't either. Except that one chick at a Niagaras show who hit on me excessively one night... which was flattering and all - hey, she was beautiful, just not what I'm looking for. So I do spend a fair amount of time wondering what it is about me that is so off-putting. Yes, okay, a few extra pounds - but I know for a fact that there are far heavier women than me who get plenty of attention (from whatever sex they're interested in), so much as I'd like to blame that, I really have to be honest and face that it isn't that.
I can literally count on one hand the number of times I have been asked on a date. Seriously. Now by date, I mean a DATE, not a merry sleepover, an actual 'let's go out and get to know each other' sort of date. I can also, sadly, deduct a couple of those because they were guys I had actually pursued for long enough that it wasn't like they just out of the blue asked me out - and then we ended up in relationships that lasted years... so it was more like inevitable than a 'date'.
One of those guys told me (after we were together for 2 years) that he had NO CLUE I 'liked' him before we went out. Oy. You might think, oh what a dim bulb he must have been - but the truth is I can see it... I guess. I tend towards the 'cool' for the most part - at least I did back when I was younger and sicker. And of course that comment made me wonder - how do I come off to people? Here I felt I was literally throwing myself at this guy on a daily basis and apparently what he saw was "oh hi, gotta run". Kra-zeee!
So I wonder: am I unapproachable? Given the fact that I am asked for directions by strangers on a daily basis - literally - I have to believe the answer is I'm imminently approachable. A couple of weeks ago I was picking something up from a friend at his job. I have been there before so I didn't recheck the address before I went. Brilliant. Joy of the "I get lost if I leave my block" goes somewhere without the actual address. I had to call my friend to ask where his office was - people, I was LITERALLY across the street from it LOOKING RIGHT AT IT and left my friend a voice mail saying "I don't know where to go!!" Yeah, I'm the one to ask for directions. But while I was waiting for him to call me back not one but THREE people stopped and asked me for directions. Oddly enough I was able to tell all of them where to go. I'm like a directions-savant for other people, yet I cannot use my super powers for my own personal gain. So sad. But it also proves that I am infinitely approachable. Just not in any 'hey baby' kind of way.
What is all this is blather leading up to? Oh hell, work it out people! I'm am, as is typical, alone on Valentine's Day. *sigh* Of course I always have me, which is fine. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling or fun or passionate. But still... be nice to get flowers, ya know? It's been a long time.
Screw that fat little cherub and his arrows any way! Happy Valentine's Day!