Saturday, March 22, 2008


My inclination is towards solitude. Whether this is a natural personality trait or a learned one I'm not really certain. I was an only child isolated by overprotective, yet neglectful parents (weird, right?) so it's a tough call as to whether these leanings towards solitude are nature or nurture. But I had (okay, have) a very rich fantasy world and being alone was never an overwhelming problem to me. Sure, I wished for a sibling when I was a kid - ideally an older brother, which would have been quite the feat - and I envied the other kids who had what appeared to be built-in playmates. Someone to play board games with, someone to share the horrors of weekend drunken fight-fests, someone who ... you know... saw me.

But for the most part I was okay with being alone. When you don't know any different and all that.

So as an adult I have very rarely experienced actual loneliness. In fact my bouts with the "L" word have been more related to missing a particular person than missing company in general.

I've been feeling pangs of what, at first, seemed to be loneliness. But the truth is I'm not lonely. Really thinking it through I realize that what I'm feeling is in fact a pervasive hunger for passion.

Yeah, passion.

S-E-X. But not just sex - sex with that crazy "can't get enough" wild, passion. It can't be one-sided, it doesn't have to be love, but boy oh boy if you can be alone in a room together and keep your hands off each other: that ain't it.

I've had that. Sometimes it's over as quickly as it started, sometimes it can go on for years, but however long it lasts: there's nothing else like it. That ache that can only be fixed by the object of your lust - and knowing that YOU are the object of theirs... powerful, and fantastic. And it fills a need in me that nothing else can. A need to have tangible proof that someone SEES me. Even more so, that I exist and am wanted - more than anyone else. That for just one person: I am the most important thing in the world.

Been a weeee bit too long since I've been in that situation. And that, excuse my phrasing, sucks hard.

So am I lonely? Nope. Am I starved for someone to to share that passion with? Oh yeah, you betcha. So I suppose, by my definition of 'lonely', you could say I am... I'm lonely for a particular person... and I have no idea who he is. Or if he even exists.



Bella said...

I can relate to your need for passion in your life. I feel the same way, even though in my head I know that in a few months I'll have much more time for passion, I still long for it NOW.

Here's to both of us finding some passion in our lives. (And hopefully not of the battery operated kind!!)

Gary said...

It is a wonderful thing to spend time alone when there is a sense of peace and comfort in the surroundings. I used to LOVE it when I was living at home as a child/teenager and hanging out in my room alone, either reading a book or doing homework, and my mom would be cooking in the kitchen. The wonderful smells would drift upstairs and I knew it wouldn't be long until I was called for dinner. I could also hear my brothers rummaging about and my little sister playing outside with her friends.

I still love this kind of thing - being alone but not lonely- feeling loved and wanted. Passion takes many forms, I expect that it is far time for you to get the sort you deserve and long for.

LadrĂ³n de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

I could have written that post! Actually is sort of a theme for one I've been working on in my head. I fully understand the need for passion again.

Joy Keaton said...

Bella - Seriously girl, it's about time, right?

Gary - from your lips to God's ears... oh wait, aren't YOU God? Could'ja help a girl out here? ;)

JT - Ah Greg, we obviously have many things in common. And as Spring is here - WHEN are you coming to have a VotDolls viewing?!