Sunday, July 20, 2008

a case of the uglies

Oh my oh my I'm going through another one of these bouts of feeling mirror breakingly ugly. I'm so goddamned tired of my own ability to self-loathe I cannot even express it. It gets triggered by the stupidest things, just random things that I roll around in my head and watch as they blow out of all proportion to reality.

Intellectually I know I'm not the heinous thing I see when I look in a mirror (though I do my damnedest to avoid looking in them at all) but it is damned hard sometimes to convince myself emotionally that I'm letting other, less than positive, feelings cloud what I see in a mirror. Like when I'm having a bad day. Some people have a bad hair day - I have bad everything days. Yes, I like to up the ante. What can I say?

I see bad hair, old, ugly, wrinkled, fat, unlovable, unsexually appealing to everyone (except the exceptionally drunk) and just plain too ugly to be loose in public where small children and some adults could be scarred for life.

Ever have a day like that? Been having 'em as long as I can remember. Sucks a bit.

You might think that the eye opening experience of having found some (if I do say so myself) goddamned hot photos of myself from college when I thought I looked scary enough to crack mirrors should have cured me of my "I'm DISGUSTING!" dysmorphia. You'd be wrong. On many days, and especially on really good days, I can actually feel sorta passably human, and almost attractive. Sadly it takes a lot of emotional energy to boost myself to that point though outside opinions can much go much further, much faster, to convincing me (for a little while any way) that I'm maybe even... pretty.

Mostly I'm okay with my perceived level of ugly, meaning I can be rational and know that what I see is not what other people see. But sometimes it's just more than I can do to convince myself. Sometimes I wish for an Elephant-Man cover-up.

It's very possible that this self-perceived ugliness is part of why my love life (dare I even call it that) is so dismal. I see someone I find appealing and I simply know they will not feel the same about me. Now is it that they see the ugly thing I see, or is it just that I ... I dunno. That what I want is so rare? That keeps anyone from ... what shall we call it? Pursuing me? (i.e. even noticing me) I know 'love yourself first' is probably key... but honestly I thought I was pretty up there on the 'liking me' scale for the past few years. Still, there's clearly something wrong with me looks-wise or vibe-wise or something-wise that keeps me from attracting someone who actually wants me. I know that love and attraction are not things you can put a mathematical quantification on, but on the days I feel 'pretty' I have to wonder what is it about me that isn't ... enough?

I do know my parents made sure I knew just how unworthy of love I was; that I was never as good as anyone else or as attractive or 'right'. Lessons that got even more complicated when I finally did start dating and my mother told me endlessly 'he's not good enough for you' or 'you're too smart for him', etc. In direct contradiction to what she had told me my entire childhood and adolescence. Phew... you try to work through muck like that and feel like you're worth anyone's romantic or sexual attention. I wasn't good enough for anyone and no one was good enough for me. Uh... thanks for that mom.

Clearly I'm having a bad day. And feeling kinda sad and sorry for myself, and yeah, a little bit on the lonely and unlovable side. (shocking, huh?)

I'm going to sleep on it and hope to wake up pretty. If not, does anyone know where the Elephant Man shopped? I could use a new hoodie.


Bella said...

I really do hope that you wake up today and feel as beautiful as the world knows you are. Sometimes the mirrors in our heads are the worst, aren't they?

Feel better!

whimsical brainpan said...


"maybe even... pretty."

Woman please! You are pretty, smart, sassy, and sexy.

But I do think that others pick up on even the smallest bit of doubt when we carry it around.

I don't get hit on much (and I'm told I am pretty). I honestly think it is because I have this wall up, even when I do feel good about myself.

When do I get hit on? When I am dating someone else and feel pretty, desirable, confident, and my defences are down.

LadrĂ³n de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

I have plenty of those ugly days, as in 99.5% of the time lately. My parents were the opposite, making me believe that no one was worthy of me. So now I have to deal with the reality that they were wrong.

Anyways, I think you're lovely!

BetteJo said...

My ugly days are all related to my fat days. Which is usually, these days.
I know the feeling - in my case it was my father - if he doesn't love me, and he's supposed to - why should anyone else?
Even when you rise above it all it still lingers underneath and threatens to take over from time to time.

It's always a fight, isn't it?

I saw the video of your performance here by the way, and I found you to be nowhere NEAR ugly! Not a bit!

Hope you fight through this and feel better.

Joy Keaton said...

Thanks you guys. Really. :)

Feeling less butt ugly today, but then again I just went to the dentist yesterday and that ALWAYS makes me happy. :)