Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The sad, sad truth presents itself once more...

After 3 weeks of being Zoloft-free I think it's time to face the cold hard reality that my poor little brain just has not learned how to deal with serotonin on its own. I was so hoping it had. Dammit. I wanted to just ease off it, avoid the nasties that come with going off, (which I did btw) but it turns out that now that it's all out of my system I'm, well, let's be clear: I'm fucked.

I am Sooooooo disappointed. No, seriously. I was absolutely certain that this was something that I could do. That I really didn't need to be on anti-depressants any more. Hahhahahahahaha on me. Too many bad thoughts, too many weepy days and with my current health situation being what it might be, I am in no position to attempt to brave it through. My brain simply can't seem to have a 'bad day' like normal people do. My brain - all about the drama - decides to go to the deepest darkest, murkiest well of despair it can find in which to wallow, design horrible scenarios of my desolute future and sip a frosty margarita. This is not cool brain. Reallly not cool. Okay the margarita is kinda delicious, but.. NO, stop it with your seductively dark thoughts! bad brain, bad, bad brain. tsk.

So much for my experimentation with living drug-free. Guess I'm the "just say YES!" poster child.

Of course I'm devastated. Um... that might be because I'm NOT taking my meds. Helllllooooo. But while I have my pride, such as it is, I have decided that being on meds for the rest of my life and maybe not quite 'feeling' everything to the nth degree ain't the worst that could happen. So this morning out came the remaining 'happy pills' (which is such a cavalier euphemism, but hey gotta laugh to keep from crying, right?) and now I'm reversing the process I've spent the past few months doing. Now I'm building up the amount of those kooky blue pills that I take every day until I get back to my old dosage and feel more often happy than despairing. Luckily that process goes much faster than the weaning off process and I should be back to my regular dose in 2 weeks.

It's a sucky lesson to have to learn. For me, these pills are the thing that keep me from going down dark roads that lead to thoughts of sharp implements, lots of alcohol, and a warm tub of water. Given the fact that I have an appointment with a Gynecological Oncologist in a couple of weeks, it might save the hassle to just stay off the pills. Gotta go one way or t'other, right? But despite feeling really, REALLY low at the moment, I'm not quite low enough to want to give up.

I know what the worst feels like: I'm not there, but I could get there mighty damned fast. I'm like one piece of bad news and a mean look away from getting there. I also know what the best is, and that's what I want back. So until these pills start kicking in again, I'm trying (none too successfully) to keep the good thoughts on my own. But it'll be okay. Lesson learned. Take your pills. And remember:


Anonymous said...

Taking your medication is nothing to be embarrased about. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin, would you? It just is what it is. The good news is that its not you -- its your serotonin levels, and they can be treated! We all care about you and want you to be happy. And its OK if it takes a little bit of help.

BetteJo said...

I only read the post about your trying to go off the meds a couple of minutes ago, so sorry it didn't work the way you wanted it to.

I had to face the fact that it is a chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected with meds. For me. Some people CAN take them temporarily. I cannot. Pf-f-f-f-t-t! Just another part of who I am. Ce la vie. Or something.

Good mental health is realizing when you need to take care of that mental health. Try not to be too disappointed - it's certainly not a failure.

Jay said...

It's a sucky lesson but an important one. And yes, there are worse things. Like needing medication and not taking it. That's way worse.

Bella said...

I agree with anon - lots of people have medication that they have to take to live a healthy life. For some it's heart medication, others take blood pressure pills, and others take anti-depressants.

As long as they keep you feeling happy and healthy, that's all that matters.

Joy Keaton said...

Anon - it's not that I'm embarrassed about needing the meds, it's that I'm embarrassed about being so full of myself that I thought I didn't need them and being w.r.o.n.g. about that. Big blow to the pride. *ouch*

But thank you. You're saying exactly what I would say to anyone else in the same spot. But sometimes it's hard to speak to ourselves as kindly as we would speak to others. :)

Bettejo - gracias my sistah of the wacky brain chemistry! Your email helped a lot. :)

Jay - I hear you and know just where you're coming from. Agreed. Here's to taking the meds!

Bella - Of course it's true, medication for mental illnesses are no different than for illness of the rest of the body. Somehow though we (I know it's not just me) always seem to think we should be able to heal ourselves through sheer will. Yet when someone has diabetes, for example, nobody ever suggests they should heal themselves simply through the force of their will. Hmm.

Three days back on the pills and while I know it's purely the placebo effect, I do feel a bit better.

Thanks everyone for your support in my silly experiment. When I decide to try this again in a few years: remind me of this, will ya?

marxsny said...

Many people need to take medication for the rest of their lives in order to survive and survival is, in a sense, the opposite of defeat. So don't feel defeated.

whimsical brainpan said...

I just want to ask you a question:

Would you feel the same way if your body wasn't able to produce another chemical, like say insulin?

tinarama said...

It's November and I found your blog by googling "party-phobia" – a condition I share! Then I clicked your link to posts about depression, and found this one, and just wanted to say I hope you're doing well. I quit anti-anxiety meds five years ago and am starting to feel like it might be time to go back on them; like you said, there's no mistaking that feeling when things start to turn in that direction. Anyway – thank you for posting on this topic. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Joy Keaton said...

Tinarama - thanks for the well-wishes and for stopping in! Sorry about your party phobia, it sux a bit doesn't it? Though it's always kinda comforting to find you're not the only one.