To thine own self be true. Yup. I'm back in Hamlet land. (but just for a sec, promise!)
It's not always easy to be true to yourself, but it's a helluva lot easier than describing yourself. Being true to yourself: that comes up situation by situation, and you just 'do' what you have to do. But when asked, "tell me about yourself" what the hell do you say?
I suppose we all have a quick 2-3 line intro prepped for those first-time meetings with people we either want to impress, ingratiate ourselves to, or simply fuck; but does that intro line really say anything? Is it possible to distill your entire personality into 100 words or less? If it is... is that someone you want to be? Personally I enjoy being more complex, though it can be a pain sometimes. Having exceptions to all rules and being extremely open to possibilities makes my 2-3 line intro really sketchy.
When I first meet people I tend to go for the most outrageous stuff I can make come out of my mouth. I figure, if they can take me at my weirdest/rudest (though funny, not cruel 'rude') and get the joke, then they are worth my time. If they go cold, they will NEVER understand me. Besides, if you can't play along with me, I really don't have the energy. I've spent too much of my life placating and pussyfooting around with people. It's not only a drag, but boring as all get-out. So that's what I do. Get out.
Guess I'm just a bitch. I don't like to be bored. Much as I dislike admitting it, there's a lot of people out there that just bore me to tears. It's not that they aren't nice people. It's not that they are actually particularly boring. It's just me. I think I need more stimulation than a lot of people, and I need conversation that provides that. The fact that I'm rarely, if ever, bored when I'm by myself indicates (to me anyway) that what really enervates me is feigning interest. God it takes so much energy to pretend to be interested when you're not. I suppose too that the quality that bores me in these altogether nice and pleasant people is a lack of passion... or a passion for something that leaves me thoroughly cold.
Something I've found is that even if we seem total opposites, if someone has a great sense of humor they never bore me. I used to work with a woman who, on the surface, could not have been more opposite from me. She was meticulously put together, I would oftentimes wear to work the very thing I slept in the night before. Yeah, I'm serious. She was on top of the current fashions, me... okay let's call it semi-classic with a touch of eclectic. But the thing we did have in common was a tremendous ability to see the humor in things - and to be thoroughly goofy. On first meeting the two of us I would put money on the fact that people would not be particularly surprised if I hid under a desk in say a law firm, as a practical joke. Funny thing is that SHE actually did it - not me. Oh lord did I laugh.
So where the hell am I going with this giant ramble? No idea.
I feel like I'm at a total loss as to who I am. I'm sort of all over the place and rudderless. Plans... I'm thinking having a plan would be a nice thing. Trouble is, I have no idea what that plan might be. Goals... again nice but I've had goals and met them and in the end what did they get me? Not at all what I'd thought.
I have probably got more email addresses than anyone I know. Each is for something different and I use 'em. My bookshelves go from Shakespeare, Victorian novels to chick lit and religious tomes and comic books. My record collection goes from old soul to Irish traditional to hymns, early punk to ... Wham!. (stop laughing) I'm all over the place in everything I'm interested in and where does this broad range of interests and likes get me? Unfocused and good at trivia. Whoopee.
My life's not getting any longer and I still feel like I'm in Junior High trying to figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up. The closest thing to being a million different people I could find was acting, except it's not something I seem to have the necessary drive to actually do. Then again what do I have a drive for? Oh. Sex. The one thing that seems to be sorely lacking.
And believe me, admitting that in a public forum is as ego crushing a thing as I can do.
So there's my description of me. Long, unfocused and terrified that in ten years I'll be in the exact same place and in the words of Susan Hayward in Valley of the Dolls "wondering what the hell happened".