A few days ago, despite my favoring dog-talk to human-speak of late, I got into a conversation with a very nice fellow who told me he could tell I had "the good mojo" by looking into my eyes. Which gotta tell ya, was nice to hear but hmmmm.... Now this was in the course of a conversation about suicide and mental illness so don't let's think someone was trying to pick me up. Let's take a moment to giggle uproarioulsy at the mere idea. Ahhhh... that was fun, eh?
The discussion was about some people in his life that had been through, and are still working through, some of the same issues I've been dealing with my entire adult life and it reminded me that, of course, that was the reason I began this blog in the first place. To offer some hope to others tht it is possible to overcome your demons, or at least keep them at bay, so that you can actually live your life.
For a long time now this blog has just been about what I've been doing with the life I had every intention of ending in 2004. I think that's valid, a show by example sort of thing. But I also see that by not delving much into what brought me here in the first place I might vereing off track a bit.
The trouble is that at this point I find it hard to go back and talk too much about the 'bad times' because in some ways they are still here. Not that I'm suicidal - just that sometimes I get tremendously blue. Navy to black blue. I'm sure some of it is due to my ill-thought out decision to wean off my Zoloft a few months back. I imagine my poor serotonin levels are still recovering from that silliness. Never again kids - the pills are a 'go' for life. Literally and figuratively. But then again those blues may just be a result of the fact that I still have no feeling of purpose. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. And that's a shame because... uh... grown-up here.
Still, there is something to be said for just living. In fact there's a lot to be said for it. It's unfortunate that I have a little itch in my soul to actually BE something. To do something meaningful, important and maybe (if I may) something that I might be remembered for after. It's unfortunate because I don't have any idea what that might be, and as things stand, I don't see it happening. Of course we never do see what might be around the corner. That's the surprise of living, yes? Maybe my 'mojo' will bring me to a place where I can turn that corner and find a purpose. Maybe not. But at least I'm alive - and nothing is impossible as long as we're alive.