Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dodging bullets and other tales of romance

Over the years I have gone through angst and sorrow over love (or its facsimile). These episodes ran the gamut from crushes that went on far too long to unrequited to pretend-requited and without fail I felt that if I did not end up with this person my broken heart would kill me. Or I would kill myself.

Whatever the chemical psychic pull of 'love' might be one thing it tends to do is blind you to reality, or at least to the reality of the other person and whether or not you really are right for each other or if you're just filling some ancient void that actually needs 'filling' from another source - yourself.

I have been guilty of that old (and very valid) cliche: Love is Blind on nearly every occasion. I have suffered the pains of hell because things did not work out the way I thought they should. But on every count it seems that no matter how much I've run myself over the coals for being an idiot for loving someone who didn't love me, pretended to love me, or any gradient in between it seems I tortured myself over a big fat nothing.

The truth is everyone who I've 'loved and lost' turned out to be the biggest blessings one could hope for. The truth is I have dodged a bullet (in love) more times than one could hope for and I cannot believe my luck. Not that it ever felt like luck at the time, no siree. But in retrospect I breathe sigh after sigh after Godzilla-sized sigh of relief that I did NOT get what I wanted in those relationships. Clearly I have done some Matrix-style bullet dodging in my life without even knowing I was doing it. Go me!

The seemingly 'great loves of my life' have turned out to all have been... how do we put this kindly... um, okay no way to do that: Losers. I'm talking alcoholics, depressives who will not seek help, manipulators, adulturers, trapped in the past, conceited (? hello???) and closeted homosexuals. OH BABY, have I had some wacky luck with the menfolk. There were of course a couple that were perfectly wonderful - needless to say I broke up with them. I don't believe it was an attempt to punish myself though so much as being able to see that we were really not compatible in any real way. Which sorta blows for me because, you know, otherwise really nice guys. Ah well. But the topic here are the ones I agonized about. The ones I KNEW were perfect for me but who were in fact completely poisonous to me and I was utterly blind to it.

Seeing how these 'great loves' have turned out since we parted ways I truly am astounded that I thought each of them were so amazing - at the time. WHAT a dope! I do blame at least 80% of that cloudy tunnel vision on the fact that I was never quite 'right' in my brain chemistry. I let relationships - sick and twisted as they might have been - continue on for far, far too long. Wasted years over men because I had no ability to see past my emotions. One of the perks of having my seratonin levels balanced is the ability to actually see what I'm dealing with - in all aspects of my life. Seeing reality has made getting out of bad situations quickly far easier.

I know, with total certainty, that had I ended up with any of the men I 'couldn't live without' that I would have ended up killing myself, either slowly through drinking too much or quickly with a razor blade. Of that I'm positive. And I gotta tell ya, the poor ladies who did end up with these guys - they have all my pity.

I've never been a huge Rolling Stones fan - don't get me wrong, I like 'em just fine, just not something I listen to with great regularity. But in one instance they caught a lyric that really does sum it all up.
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need
Even if what you need is simply not to be with the one you think you want.


BetteJo said...

Unfortunately I think all the losers we have picked are directly related to the level of self-esteem we had at the time. And I agree with your 80% brain chemistry thing. I feel a helluva lot better about myself now than when I was "unbalanced" And now if I had to choose between one of "them" and being alone - I'd be all alone and happily so. Nice to feel like you don't HAVE to have someone in your life to validate your existence. Wouldn't go back for a million bucks.

Salty Miss Jill said...

Now there's some insight for ya. Everyone-EVEYONE!-needs to read this.
Any one who has your love is damn fortunate, and if they don't see that, they are a damn fool :)
So, did you get what you need?

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Jay said...

Oh, the sweet mistakes we make. :)

marxsny said...

Joy, you sorta hit the nail square on the head. Sometimes it's best to just accept that you are never going to get what you want. As far as the losers go, sometimes they come in pairs.