Sunday, June 14, 2009

So much for that

Despite the title of this blog I seems I've lost my infatuation with myself. It's pretty much a struggle to remember to comb my hair lately. I mean I just don't see much point. Am I gaining weight? So what. Am I wearing make-up. Who cares. It's like an endless attempt to be someone that nice, someone people like, someone desirable and that struggle is all uphill and yields nothing much.

This is not to say that from time to time I don't feel appreciated, just this past week a surprise care-package of the coolest kind arrived in the mail from the delightfully inventive Miss Jill. The selection of fun-stuff in the box was perfect, and exactly what I would have packed up for myself - if I liked myself enough to care. And it really made me smile and giggle and feel happy, truly I couldn't have been more surprised or grateful: music, a book, vegan chocolate and even a mirror ball (of a sort) and more. I know there are so many people so much worse off than me, I do know that. And I'm trying so hard to hold onto that feeling and let it be enough.

But I'm such a miserable bitch that nothing is ever enough.

You know when you have a spill and you try to sop it up with a brand new, totally dry sponge it takes FOREVER for it to absorb the spill? That's me. A damp sponge sops up spills in a blink, because it's already primed. So I'm a dry sponge. Every now and then a drop of water hits it but by the time the next one comes it's already dry again and so it's never able to really function the way you want a sponge to function.

I'm a non-functioning sponge.

In a desert.

With a blow-dryer.

Jesus, cue the violins, eh?

I guess it's just that the older I get the more I wonder why I'm here. And I've wondered that since I was a kid, so imagine how much I think about it now. I'm tired. I'm tired of being a non-priority, even to myself. I'm a second-stringer at best. Afterthought, non-weekend friend. And clearly I'm too heinous to expect any romantic overture to be anything more than a means to make someone else jealous, or worse, a gag at the ugly girl's expense.

I've never been first in anyone's life, not even as a baby... I know, I know love yourself first. But when that doesn't work... well, then what?

Then I guess you end up like me. Wanting more than I'll ever have and trying to be happy with what I do have.

I'm just tired. Really tired of myself. And I'm tired of proving my parents right.

8 comments:

Salty Miss Jill said...

We need to talk.

Ladrón de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Thinking of you across the time zones and feeling some of the same issues lately but maybe not quite as severe. I have no excuse since I had parents who dotted on me too much, but sometimes their absence makes it sting more. Either way, hope there is some comfort in knowing you're being thought of across the miles.

Gary said...

Fuck!

I'm calling you right now!

BetteJo said...

Looks like Gary is the kind of friend I'd like to have! And you are far from an ugly girl!

And remember, everybody touches people throughout their lives, many times without realizing it. And from reading what you write - I'm sure you have.

Bella said...

I just saw this today, and my heart is aching for you! I hope you're doing alright, but from the sounds of this post, you need some serious TLC. I hope your friends in NYC let you know just how special and precious you are to them.

Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Hope you are well.

Anonymous said...

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Saw this on Waiterrant.net, thought you might be interested.

Peace!

Arielle Lee Bair said...

I know I don't really know you (reading because I found you from Gary's blog, where I am a devoted reader), but it seems from the looks of these comments that you have at least a handful of friends that care deeply about you. Use the support system you have and hopefully things will start looking up. I really feel for you. A lot of your words remind me of myself in years past. I know it's frustrating when people say, "Everything will be okay," as if that fixes anything. Ever heard the saying: "Fake it 'til you make it?" Try it. Sometimes it's starts to work...

Sending some strength your way!
-Arielle